mein Englisch ist grottig, mehr noch: es ist ein Verbrechen gegen die englische Sprache (eine tolle Sprache für Dramen übrigens, weil sich mit ihr unglaublich knapp präzise schreiben lässt).
Anyway, es gibt einen guten Grund dafür, dass ich den Text auf englisch zusammen gepfrimmelt habe.
Nur habe ich gerade keine Lust, den zu erklären.
Abgesehen davon ist der Inhalt auch nur ein zusammen gefasster Abschnitt, der mir Basis sein wird für eine Novelle.
Und die werde ich hier veröffentlichen. Dafür habe ich mich auch entschieden.
Möglicherweise werde ich sie auch bei Facebook durchschleusen, aber das wird sich erst noch zeigen.
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I remember a good friend, who died standing next to me. He was my Lieutenant, younger than I was, but a peer to my class. He was a real friendly guy, much more peaceful than me. He wasn‘t a very good soldier, but he was loyal, and in some way he was my little brother.
This day, they killed him. He died instead of me. The turkish shooter aimed for my head, I‘ve ever known this, but the bullet hit my little brother, and I got furious. I was in some kind of rage, that doesn‘t know any frontier. The combat has been won quickly, I was mercyless. Those who capitulated, I ordered to shot, and in the early evening I took some of my best and most loyal soldiers to chase the escappes by horse. In this night, we killed nearby 300 people. I commanded my people to burn down every house that might shelter any turkish enemy, and to kill everyone looking like a collaborator.
And we killed not only men, we killed women and even children. Just the older ones I let survive, for they may die in the horrible pain of loosing all their families
Driven by this nameless rage, we got into some bloodlust. I stopped our excess just in the morning, when my soldiers wanted to set a church in fire. Some people escaped into the church, and surely they praised, but that hadn‘t any meaning for me. I just didn‘t want to defile one of my gods houses.
Just my pain of loss didn‘t disappear. Instead I became a monster.
I remember three guys of my company too. Weeks before the Bloodnight passed, we, my young lieutenant and me, catched them, while they raped a young woman.
I decided right there, to let those piggy bastards die. The next three occasions I sent them directly into our enemies fire. Two of them died in the first combat, just one of them survived the first time, the second, and even the third one. At my opinion god saved this man, and I didn‘t want to riot against my gods will. Then came the Bloodnight, and that changed all.
In the end, our commander Prince Eugene of Savoy defeated the turkish invadors, and some months after we returned to vienna, where all has been started.
People on streets jubilated, but I wasn‘t proud on anything. I just hated them, those stupid cheering animals. Not one of them realized what has happend.
When we went to war, my company was about nearby 200 man.
We returned with 31.
People on streets celebrated our victory, but they didn‘t remembered our dead camerads no way.
Whe were good christians before, but by war we became broken men.
They celebrated our loss of humanity.
Decepted I returned to my shire, sick in my mind and my heart.
My wife, former a beautyful and lovely lady, contracted consumption, when I was in war, far away from home. She couldn‘t heal my soul, she was to weak. Most hardly for me was, that I simpleby figured out, that I didn‘t love her anymore. As I became a stranger to myself, she became a stranger to me.
She died nearby one year later, although I called all wellknown doctors to save her life.
Myself, I didn‘t want to live anymore. Only my daughter, grewed up in my absence, gave some light to my darkness. For me she symbolized purity, innocence, in some way everything I lost. When I saw her playing in the garden, that warmed my heard, and in the precious hours I listened her playing the piano, I felt healing for a few moments.
She gave me silence and solution, she anticipated my darkness step by step.
I wished her to merry some fine man of our class, but she did fall in love to one of my farm labourors, a dirty guy without any manners, a boor.
I knew such people. I had sent them into the fire, for they may die. Rapers.
Once again I got into a furious rage, and once again my mind got blind.
I ordered to kill him, and to throw his cadaver into the Donau. It wasn‘t revenge, I just wanted to protect my daughter, my beloved daughter against those rapers. But everything I achived was a young man dying and with him my daughters heart. Instead of the danger I killed her. She stayed in my shire. She even talked with me, but never again, she played the piano. She didn‘t smile anymore.
I asked her forgiveness, I asked gods forgiveness. I really regreted. But although our priest and even her forgave me, she never became the same. Her spell disappeared the day, I killed her beloved guy, and I couldn‘t do anything to heal the damage done.
More and more I capsuled myself in my castle. My affairs I handled without any attendance. I was 40 years old and all I achieved in my life has been nameless pain, and the destruction of my family lineage.
For having some kind of diversion I began to read, and got some rare occultist literatures. In my churches god I didn‘t believed really anymore, so I began by myself to search for the answers, anybody couldn‘t find. And I didn‘t find the answers too, but I did find other points of view on my destiny. Step by step I realized, and although I couldn‘t revoke destiny, I found its deeper lines and causes. My father, died before war has begun, has warned me. He saw, what would have happen, but he failed to avoid it. Anyway, it has not been his mission.
Although my studies opened my mind and widened my horizons, my heard didn‘t convalesced. Most of my practical studies failed. I realized I would never achieve the opus magnum, I was damned to stay and to fail.
My daughter never fell in love again. It took a very long time, she really forgave me, but it changed nothing. On the contrary, her forgiveness burdened me in addition. I begged her hatred. This hatred mightened to break our chains, but she refused to hate anyone. She kept herself pure, and after I died she became a blessing to all people of our shire. She didn‘t reigned as I did. She dissolved our properties for the welfare of the poor, so she ended the bane, her ancestors and I evoked.
I do remember my funeral. It took place in late november on a cold day. Snowflakes sank from grey to grey, and except of my own cadavre I saw everything without having any perspective.
My beloved daughter stood in front of my grave and shed real tears of loss. She has loved me. She never has stopped to love me. I realized that from a higher position of consciousness. Nothing has disappeared, she just hiddened everything deep in her heard, for that no one could attack it once more again. And much more than in my lifetime I regreted and felt my love to her. And my soul itself sweared to never stop loving her. Throughout all times and places that shall follow.